you afford to fail again? Don't take chances.
here to read!
you're contemplating suicide it's
likely because you already failed... or maybe just are having a bad day
(or life). That's OK. You probably didn't read The Layman's Guide to
Suicide, or if you did, you skimmed.
Don't read 'The
Layman's Guide' and chances are your attempt may be just that... an attempt.
People are in such a
rush but haste makes waste. You probably won't be living in the comfort of your home and people will
be asking all sorts of questions. You may lose self esteem. And you'll
surely tire of trying to explain how you failed... again and again.
Don't go it
your demise on others!
The book includes a handy tear-out Suicide Note
covering every conceivable reason - spouse, relatives, pets, children and
more... plus a 'write in your own reason' area just in case none apply.
That's when you mess up! Even the section that contains the tear-out
Suicide Note reminds
you not to keep it near your body if your technique may destroy it. Did
you consider that? Probably not.
Like The Layman's Guide to Suicide
says: 'there's much more to suicide than just running out in the
back yard and pulling the trigger'. It's messy, shows poor planning,
is extremely inconsiderate, and shows how thoughtless you are (or were).
That's one of the reasons you need to read (not
quickly skim through) but actually read The Layman's Guide to Suicide
cover to cover. You probably skimmed all your life. Now is not the time!
Read the book, do it right, or not at all.
It's a 'quick read' that beginners won't be able to
put it down 'til the last minute.
in a simple, straightforward manner, The Layman's Guide to Suicide
enables even the most confused and distraught to follow along with ease.
Authors and publisher request that, should you still decide
not to live, you have to promise us you will leave the book far from your intended
remains. The book was written to cheer up even the most depressed and
lawsuits and court appearances are not cheery.
Here are some
things you'll learn:
wait 'til the last minute!
Plan ahead and avoid the the risk of your having your
wake, funeral and burial handled (and probably botched) by needlessly grieving family
members or inept civil servants. If nothing else in your life has gone
right, at least this can.
Don't run out in the
backyard and jump the gun
(so to speak).
may be anxious though lack of planning will almost undoubtedly result in a
less-than-perfect affair in so many respects - all covered in the book.
Over and over this book will remind you not to be a loser. OK, so you may be a loser,
(possibly that's your primary motive),
but c'mon, a loser all your life? This could be your last chance to shine.
clean-up a snap - paramedics and coroners are people too.
Choose a technique that will result in a tidy disposal of your remains. It's rude to require others to have to scrape up
(or worse yet have to scour the scene for) your scattered body parts.
Police, Firemen and Paramedics are people too. They see enough disgusting
things without having to deal with the mess you leave!
Many techniques The
Layman's Guide to Suicide provides include Fashion Tips based
on technique and expected outcome. They minimize clean up, and many help
insure your first attempt will be your last.
At least let someone know where you'll
be (and who you were).
we offer ideas that can make your method a real 'treasure hunt' but that's
just for added fun. Generally, and few consider this important aspect, if no
one ever finds your remains, you get no credit!
Certain techniques require
metal ID tags. Others include profit-generating pay-per-call schemes to
generate income for upgraded Services (we're speaking of your Services, of
your Guest's Schedules.
People that care about you are busy (probably busier than you).
you want a good turn out at your Services The Layman's Guide to
Suicide recommends you skip 'doing it' over the holidays (a busy time
anyway), and try to schedule
so that viewing (if applicable) and Services hours don't conflict with
prime-time TV, football, bowling league nights, or vacations.
Layman's Guide to Suicide includes
tips on generating fun money for your services with creative Invitations.
won't have fooled anyone, so send
out your own Invites 'just in time'.
You know just what you're doing and when, so why keep everyone else
in the dark?
with the place and time (at least). You could
even prompt recipients to call your answering machine or voice mail for
directions plus generate some fun money for the services with your own 900
pay-per-call phone number.
Don't be overzealous however. If you print and
mail too far in advance these may end up spoiling all your plans.
Be sure to
let people know who you were!
You'd be shocked at how many people forget to bring along
proper ID. The result? No credit.
No newspaper write up, no media coverage - is your name John Doe? We don't
think so! But it may be if you rush off and forget this critical step,
thoughtfully discussed in The Layman's Guide to Suicide.
It's ludicrous to think that anyone would go through all the
trouble and not even be identified!
Finally you can
get some of the credit you deserve.
Make sure the material you
use for ID is capable of surviving your technique.
No, your driver's license (and
your wallet for that matter) probably won't be readable after a fiery gas
explosion (if that's your technique). Think about Technique and plan
accordingly. The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends metal dog
Etching your windshield is a thought, if you're sure your windshield
will remain intact. Tattoos are a possibility, though they too may not be
as 'readable' afterwards. Whatever you choose, keep in mind that you may
not survive but your ID should.
Be sure to
blame others (if applicable - usually is). Tear-out Suicide Note included!
The Layman's Guide
to Suicide encourages you to write your own Suicide Note (to show off your writing
skills), however, if in a rush, or spelling has always been a weak point,
a handy fill-in-the-blanks tear-out Suicide Note is included.
You simply check off
who's to blame - your Spouse, Kids, Neighbor's Kids, Nagging Parents,
Boss, Attorney, Stockbroker, Cell Mate, and possibly others. You can check as many as you
like! Or don't like. That's probably the easy part. A fill-in section at the top
also helps Authorities locate your remains.
It's the only part that's fast and easy. The rest you have to work
right clothing - and accessorize.
It's all a matter
of common sense, taste, and technique. The Layman's Guide to
Suicide recommends: If you're taking the hair dryer into the tub
with you (covered in the chapter titled 'Quickies for the Poor'), by all means wear
that gold, silver or platinum jewelry you've been saving for a special
(better conductors - plus you'll look your best). Copper works too.
advanced technique for the nature lover titled 'Taking Lightning into your
Own Hands', The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends bringing along
a sturdy aluminum umbrella. Not only will this keep you dry, but, as an
accessory, it 'works'. The book does caution that lightning is 'powerful
stuff' and a single bolt can 'make high tension wires seem like static
If you anticipate being 'pulled apart' The Layman's Guide to
Suicide suggests you wear something 'that keeps you together' - like a
tight-fitting full body wet suit for example. The book offers plenty of ideas, most based on
intended technique. Clothing, accessories and method all go hand in hand.
Be sure to
shut off the utilities... or keep them on... and more.
Unless you need
to keep gas on for your intended technique, call and have it shut off.
Bummer if you planned on 'going by gas', you drop the match in, nothing
happens. Tell the gas company you're moving but not sure of the forwarding
address. Same with the phone and electric, (unless you've chosen to direct
guests to the location of your remains or your Services with voice
Consider leaving the Cable on
(if you plan on leaving the
house in one piece). It's considerate for all the after-the-fact visitors.
pets out - unless they're coming along with.
Leave them plenty of food and
water - at least enough to last until a friend or relative, or Animal
Control comes to get them. Must they suffer too? If they're coming with,
or were one or more of your reasons, bring plenty of food and water, plus
their favorite toys. But think twice about the pets. What did they do?
Mess up the carpet once? Don't be petty.
If you plan on 'bringing
...The Layman's Guide to Suicide offers one Advanced
Technique based on pre-loading the back seat of your car with neighborhood pets
blocks, using a quality radar detector, avoiding being pulled over 'on the
way', and discusses a bridge abutment or other large, heavy, inanimate
object that might 'get in your way'.
However, do not even think of trying
this before buying the book to learn exactly how. Causes
incredible confusion at 'the scene'. Guarantees local media coverage. You could be coast to coast -
Nightly News - but you have to read to learn exactly how. This is not for
beginners and can be dangerous.
You thought suicide was a slam dunk right? Wrong.
The Layman's Guide
to Suicide even tells you
how to deal with the Funeral Director (your own) without 'letting on' who the
Services are for. Show a little too much excitement and you'll arouse
suspicion. Most don't understand 'pre-need' the way you intend it.
wary of unscrupulous funeral planners to avoid ending up in 'Potter's Field' without the
extravagant Services you may have planned - and likely put a hefty cash
deposit on! Ripped off - possibly not the first time - and now no
recourse. Or worse yet, in the asylum. Read The Layman's Guide to
Suicide if you plan on doing any of this right.
Don't run and do it simply because you 'think you
can', you read about it, or
'my friend did it ok'. Practice and hone your skills. Though it's the cheapest and often most unreliable
method (many quit halfway), there's a life-size paper cut-out razor blade in the book for those who
want to practice first. Boring, not recommended, messy and haphazard.
own Eulogy for your own Services.
Why let everyone
else talk about you afterwards when you can do it yourself? With modern technology and some
pre-planning, you can talk about people and keep them entertained, right at your own
Services! Opportunities abound. Be creative. Think ahead of who your
guests will be and personalize. You'll be the Star of this affair with all
eyes on you, if you do it right.
Join in at the party (Funeral Party) by being 'live'
at your own Funeral (sort of - at least on big screens scattered around
your plot). When you say 'dig in' they'll know you're not talking about
the food! Of course 'live' is a bit of a paradox but it's fun to
superimpose on the screen.
Tell jokes, get a little karaoke
going, call out guest's names, lay the guilt trip on a few if you'd like,
and make it an event everyone will remember! C'mon, you're the host, it's
your last hurrah, have a little fun. - tape delayed.
Sell VHS copies to
offset production costs or to pay back the credit card company for the big
screen TVs you'll need to rent or buy. You might even make DVDs for your
own lasting Memorial.
own Epitaph that people will be sure to notice...and more.
Been to a cemetery
lately? Headstone after headstone... you need a map just to find your own
relatives! The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes
suggestions on how to get just what you want on your very own headstone.
From catchy phrases to keeping unwanted pets off your plot.
'I cared' or 'didn't care at all' like a memorable headstone in a great location.
How often have you heard that old adage? It's all about location. Not location in the cemetery (though that's
important), but geographic location. Choose a spot near a theme park or
resort and you'll be sure to get more visitors, and return visitors.
with innovative, creative Techniques few consider.
Layman's Guide to Suicide includes something for everyone complete with illustrated charts, graphs,
tips and ratings for each technique described.
Advanced Techniques include:
- Taking the Train (literally but not the boring broadside)
- Take Lightning
into your own Hands (requires umbrella and radio tower)
- Cooking with Gas (requires gas appliances)
- The High
Speed Crash with a Twist (requires car, cement blocks, neighborhood pets)
on Cash? Still more creative techniques, even on a budget.
Layman's Guide to Suicide includes 'Quickies for the
Poor', a great selection of methods for the budget conscious. Even on a
tight budget, you can still be creative and leave little to chance!
the Poor techniques include:
- Dry Land Cliff Diving (great for the outdoors enthusiast)
- Jay Walking
(your name does not have to be Jay, chalk optional)
Skateboarding (requires wet
suit, knee pads, toll booth, rope, lasso, timing)
- Cooking for Pacemaker
Patients (pacemaker and microwave required)
- Mountain Bike Trick (requires minor modification to brake cables, no
- Jumping for
Joy (requires slightly short
bungee cord - height/length chart included).
coverage is hard to get, even for big stars.
The Layman's Guide to Suicide rates each technique. Five headstones is highest
(feature film, grandstands required), one headstone is lowest (only town gossip,
maybe local newspaper coverage, and no spectators). Ratings matter to the networks
and they should matter to you too!
technique in the book is rated for potential Media Coverage and Spectator
Read one of the Advanced Techniques now... but don't even think of doing it until you read the entire
Remember how you've failed tests in the past? Skimming and not
paying attention? Being distracted or not knowing your stuff? Packed for
No you can't just
'wing it' or 'figure things out as you go'... you have to buy the book!
WILL CAUSE SEVERE INJURY
Refer to the consumer guide to find the subcompact which failed all the government crash tests.
Next, rather than simply
'accepting' the common broadside, completely remove the tires and the front
bumper, drive up and onto the tracks, and head directly towards the train (see illustration - that's you in the
middle headed directly towards the oncoming train).
Don’t get yourself in a
panic! Leave early and refer to a current train schedule (not that old one in your glove box) for 'meeting' times.
Although this maneuver requires greater skill, the result is a more spectacular flip which will send your vehicle
cart wheeling end over end at least fifty yards (or more depending upon train speed and your ability to achieve
and be sure you maintain proper line-up).
To avoid being deafened by the sound of the train horn, roll up all of your windows. And don’t forget to buckle up... IT’S THE LAW!
TIP - Don’t wait on the tracks... it’s dangerous!
There's much more to The Layman's Guide to Suicide as
featured on talk radio.
Miss that too? OK, there's another reason you need
to buy the book!
guaranteed or maybe your money back.
Guide to Suicide is GUARANTEED to make any problem a laughing matter.
matter how depressed or downtrodden, if you read The Layman's
Guide to Suicide, you'll likely
decide to remain living and laughing... we hope. And BTW, there is no
money back guarantee if you fail.
Get your own copy
today but don't be greedy.
Grab a spare copy for a whining friend, work associate,
relative, depressing neighbor, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or Cell mate.
It's the ideal gift!
Leave a copy on the
coffee table at home, bed stand or your desk at work.
Get yourself more
attention. Whether or not you've considered
suicide at all, once people see it, talk about sympathy! They'll be all over
conversation starter and way to make new friends.
Layman's Guide to Suicide you'll meet all kinds of new people...
sympathizers, mental health professionals, probably even some from law
enforcement. Want some attention from the opposite sex (or same sex if
you're so disposed?) - buy this book, leave it around and that's all but
Makes a great gift!
Show you really care
or don't. Either way, this book sends a clear message without having to
say a thing. For those who have everything - and those with nothing at all -
'The Layman's Guide to Suicide' is the book to have and receive. It well
could be the last self-help book you (or they) ever need. But we doubt it.
It's so hard to kill yourself laughing out loud.
For entertainment purposes only.
more in the book!
Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38
Published by Paladin Press in 1995
Still listed at Amazon.com
The Layman's Guide to Suicide: The Essential
Handbook Guaranteed to Make Any Problem a Laughing Matter'
sold via catalog, mail order, through amazon.com and other booksellers. Published in
July 1995 by Paladin Press.
years later, in 2003, the authors received notification from the publisher
that 'The Layman's Guide to Suicide', which had sold out, would go out of
The Authors were
devastated, yet still not suicidal. Their hope is to stay alive long
enough to write the sequel which is talked about in one of the last
chapters titled 'What to do if you fail and can still read this'.
in 1994, with friends of the author and co-author having committed suicide
in the past, Rob Cummings felt that humor could be a deterrent. As it turns out,
people have told Rob (author) and Tod (co-author) The Layman's Guide
to Suicide laughed them right out of their depression. Rob and Tod
also did a number of talk radio interviews. You'll soon be able to listen
to these on this web page.
If you like the excerpts from The Layman's Guide to Suicide please
email me below.
Know of a publisher that might be
interested in republishing? Please let them know.
Authors, we feel the world needs a humorous book on Suicide. Everyone
takes suicide so seriously. Why? It is!
many rush and do it without any planning. If they thought a little harder,
perhaps they would think twice, or at least not leave a mess for
paramedics to clean up. There's a right and wrong way to do everything. The
Layman's Guide to Suicide explains all.
like to see The Layman's Guide to Suicide republished with
more tips, more techniques, and even better graphics. Hopefully you would
If you know of any
depressing, chronic whiners and complainers, or people seriously
contemplating suicide, please send them to this web page.
book now online FREE.
here to read!
the Author for more information and with comments