Having a bad day, week, month, year, entire life?
Know someone who is?

All the answers in one book.
Was $14.00 and worth your last dime! Published 1995. Authors now seek
a new publisher.

Makes a great gift!

Not suicide, the book!
For entertainment purposes only.

Caution: You might die laughing but chances are you'll be too giddy to 'pull the trigger' which
by the way is too easy and not covered.

Contact us for publishing information

The Layman's Guide to Suicide
Nothing is worse than an ill-planned, haphazard,
last-minute suicide.

Need that raise? Want more attention? Leave this book lying around and you're sure to get it!

The last self-help book you'll ever need (unless you mess up).
First attempt, second attempt, this book explains all from proper etiquette to advanced techniques and everything in between. It's a must-read for anyone contemplating the act, a nice book to leave on the coffee table, and a great attention getter.

Entire book now online FREE. Click here to read.

Here's what you'll get and much more!
One quick read and you'll be laughing too hard to kill yourself. Written clearly for those in a rush but also who want to do it right.

  • Proper Suicide Etiquette  (what you don't know can hurt)
  • Income-producing ideas (to help fund better Services)
  • Fashion Tips for the big day (based on technique)
  • A fill-in-the-blanks Suicide Note (with blame checkboxes)
  • Tips on writing your own Epitaph (fun at the services)
  • Fun and creative suggestions for your Eulogy
  • Advanced Techniques (if you have the time and energy)
  • 'Quickies for the Poor' (for those strapped for cash)
  • A list of people and things to die for
  • How to place the blame on others (and let them know!)
  • How to have fun with your Will (we call it 'Will Power')
  • Tips on making your Services memorable & exciting!
  • Writing your own Epitaph (see some standouts below)
  • How (and when) to write and send your own obituary
  • What to do if you fail (and are capable of another attempt)
  • Much, much more (many more things to consider)

Can you afford to fail again? Don't take chances. Click here to read!
If you're contemplating suicide it's likely because you already failed... or maybe just are having a bad day (or life). That's OK. You probably didn't read The Layman's Guide to Suicide, or if you did, you skimmed.

Don't read 'The Layman's Guide' and chances are your attempt may be just that... an attempt. Then what?
People are in such a rush but haste makes waste. You probably won't be living in the comfort of your home and people will be asking all sorts of questions. You may lose self esteem. And you'll surely tire of trying to explain how you failed... again and again.

Don't go it alone, blame your demise on others! The book includes a handy tear-out Suicide Note with checkboxes covering every conceivable reason - spouse, relatives, pets, children and more... plus a 'write in your own reason' area just in case none apply.

Leave nothing to 'chance'. That's when you mess up! Even the section that contains the tear-out Suicide Note reminds you not to keep it near your body if your technique may destroy it. Did you consider that? Probably not.

Like The Layman's Guide to Suicide says: 'there's much more to suicide than just running out in the back yard and pulling the trigger'. It's messy, shows poor planning,  is extremely inconsiderate, and shows how thoughtless you are (or were).

That's one of the reasons you need to read (not quickly skim through) but actually read The Layman's Guide to Suicide cover to cover. You probably skimmed all your life. Now is not the time! Read the book, do it right, or not at all.

It's a 'quick read' that beginners won't be able to put it down 'til the last minute.
Intentionally written in a simple, straightforward manner, The Layman's Guide to Suicide enables even the most confused and distraught to follow along with ease.

The Authors and publisher request that, should you still decide not to live, you have to promise us you will leave the book far from your intended remains. The book was written to cheer up even the most depressed and lawsuits and court appearances are not cheery.

Here are some things you'll learn:

Don't wait 'til the last minute!
Plan ahead and avoid the the risk of your having your wake, funeral and burial handled (and probably botched) by needlessly grieving family members or inept civil servants. If nothing else in your life has gone right, at least this can.

Don't run out in the backyard and jump the gun (so to speak).
Surely you may be anxious though lack of planning will almost undoubtedly result in a less-than-perfect affair in so many respects - all covered in the book.

Over and over this book will remind you not to be a loser. OK, so you may be a loser, (possibly that's your primary motive), but c'mon, a loser all your life? This could be your last chance to shine.

Make clean-up a snap - paramedics and coroners are people too.
Choose a technique that will result in a tidy disposal of your remains. It's rude to require others to have to scrape up (or worse yet have to scour the scene for) your scattered body parts.

Remember that Police, Firemen and Paramedics are people too. They see enough disgusting things without having to deal with the mess you leave!

Many techniques The Layman's Guide to Suicide provides include Fashion Tips based on technique and expected outcome. They minimize clean up, and many help insure your first attempt will be your last.

At least let someone know where you'll be (and who you were).
Under Advanced Techniques we offer ideas that can make your method a real 'treasure hunt' but that's just for added fun. Generally, and few consider this important aspect, if no one ever finds your remains, you get no credit!

Certain techniques require metal ID tags. Others include profit-generating pay-per-call schemes to generate income for upgraded Services (we're speaking of your Services, of course).

Accommodate your Guest's Schedules.
People that care about you are busy (probably busier than you).

Timing is everything.

If you want a good turn out at your Services The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends you skip 'doing it' over the holidays (a busy time anyway), and try to schedule so that viewing (if applicable) and Services hours don't conflict with prime-time TV, football, bowling league nights, or vacations.

The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes tips on generating fun money for your services with creative Invitations.

You won't have fooled anyone, so send out your own Invites 'just in time'.
You know just what you're doing and when, so why keep everyone else in the dark?

Send invitations with the place and time (at least). You could even prompt recipients to call your answering machine or voice mail for directions plus generate some fun money for the services with your own 900 pay-per-call phone number.

Don't be overzealous however. If you print and mail too far in advance these may end up spoiling all your plans.

Be sure to let people know who you were!
You'd be shocked at how many people forget to bring along proper ID. The result? No credit. No newspaper write up, no media coverage - is your name John Doe? We don't think so! But it may be if you rush off and forget this critical step, thoughtfully discussed in The Layman's Guide to Suicide.

It's ludicrous to think that anyone would go through all the trouble and not even be identified!

Finally you can get some of the credit you deserve.

Make sure the material you use for ID is capable of surviving your technique.
No, your driver's license (and your wallet for that matter) probably won't be readable after a fiery gas explosion (if that's your technique). Think about Technique and plan accordingly. The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends metal dog tags.

Etching your windshield is a thought, if you're sure your windshield will remain intact. Tattoos are a possibility, though they too may not be as 'readable' afterwards. Whatever you choose, keep in mind that you may not survive but your ID should.

Be sure to blame others (if applicable - usually is). Tear-out Suicide Note included!
The Layman's Guide to Suicide encourages you to write your own Suicide Note (to show off your writing skills), however, if in a rush, or spelling has always been a weak point, a handy fill-in-the-blanks tear-out Suicide Note is included. You simply check off who's to blame - your Spouse, Kids, Neighbor's Kids, Nagging Parents, Boss, Attorney, Stockbroker, Cell Mate, and possibly others. You can check as many as you like! Or don't like. That's probably the easy part. A fill-in section at the top also helps Authorities locate your remains.

It's the only part that's fast and easy. The rest you have to work at.

Wear the right clothing - and accessorize.
It's all a matter of common sense, taste, and technique. The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends: If you're taking the hair dryer into the tub with you (covered in the chapter titled 'Quickies for the Poor'), by all means wear that gold, silver or platinum jewelry you've been saving for a special occasion (better conductors - plus you'll look your best). Copper works too.

In an advanced technique for the nature lover titled 'Taking Lightning into your Own Hands', The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends bringing along a sturdy aluminum umbrella. Not only will this keep you dry, but, as an accessory, it 'works'. The book does caution that lightning is 'powerful stuff' and a single bolt can 'make high tension wires seem like static electricity.'

If you anticipate being 'pulled apart' The Layman's Guide to Suicide suggests you wear something 'that keeps you together' - like a tight-fitting full body wet suit for example. The book offers plenty of ideas, most based on intended technique. Clothing, accessories and method all go hand in hand.

Be sure to shut off the utilities... or keep them on... and more.
Unless you need to keep gas on for your intended technique, call and have it shut off. Bummer if you planned on 'going by gas', you drop the match in, nothing happens. Tell the gas company you're moving but not sure of the forwarding address. Same with the phone and electric, (unless you've chosen to direct guests to the location of your remains or your Services with voice mail).

Consider leaving the Cable on (if you plan on leaving the house in one piece). It's considerate for all the after-the-fact visitors.

Let your pets out - unless they're coming along with.
Leave them plenty of food and water - at least enough to last until a friend or relative, or Animal Control comes to get them. Must they suffer too? If they're coming with, or were one or more of your reasons, bring plenty of food and water, plus their favorite toys. But think twice about the pets. What did they do? Mess up the carpet once? Don't be petty.

If you plan on 'bringing pets with'...
...The Layman's Guide to Suicide offers one Advanced Technique based on pre-loading the back seat of your car with neighborhood pets and cement blocks, using a quality radar detector, avoiding being pulled over 'on the way', and discusses a bridge abutment or other large, heavy, inanimate object that might 'get in your way'.

However, do not even think of trying this before buying the book to learn exactly how. Causes incredible confusion at 'the scene'. Guarantees local media coverage. You could be coast to coast - Nightly News - but you have to read to learn exactly how. This is not for beginners and can be dangerous.

You thought suicide was a slam dunk right? Wrong.
The Layman's Guide to Suicide even tells you how to deal with the Funeral Director (your own) without 'letting on' who the Services are for. Show a little too much excitement and you'll arouse suspicion. Most don't understand 'pre-need' the way you intend it.

Also be wary of unscrupulous funeral planners to avoid ending up in 'Potter's Field' without the extravagant Services you may have planned - and likely put a hefty cash deposit on! Ripped off - possibly not the first time - and now no recourse. Or worse yet, in the asylum. Read The Layman's Guide to Suicide if you plan on doing any of this right.

Practice, practice, practice.
Don't run and do it simply because you 'think you can'
, you read about it, or 'my friend did it ok'. Practice and hone your skills. Though it's the cheapest and often most unreliable method (many quit halfway), there's a life-size paper cut-out razor blade in the book for those who want to practice first. Boring, not recommended, messy and haphazard.

Videotape your own Eulogy for your own Services.
Why let everyone else talk about you afterwards when you can do it yourself? With modern technology and some pre-planning, you can talk about people and keep them entertained, right at your own Services! Opportunities abound. Be creative. Think ahead of who your guests will be and personalize. You'll be the Star of this affair with all eyes on you, if you do it right.

Join in at the party (Funeral Party) by being 'live'
(albeit tape-delayed) at your own Funeral (sort of - at least on big screens scattered around your plot). When you say 'dig in' they'll know you're not talking about the food! Of course 'live' is a bit of a paradox but it's fun to superimpose on the screen.

Tell jokes, get a little karaoke going, call out guest's names, lay the guilt trip on a few if you'd like, and make it an event everyone will remember! C'mon, you're the host, it's your last hurrah, have a little fun. - tape delayed.

Sell VHS copies to offset production costs or to pay back the credit card company for the big screen TVs you'll need to rent or buy. You might even make DVDs for your own lasting Memorial.

Write your own Epitaph that people will be sure to notice...and more.
Been to a cemetery lately? Headstone after headstone... you need a map just to find your own relatives! The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes suggestions on how to get just what you want on your very own headstone. From catchy phrases to keeping unwanted pets off your plot.

Nothing says 'I cared' or 'didn't care at all' like a memorable headstone in a great location.

Location, location, location.
How often have you heard that old adage? It's all about location. Not location in the cemetery (though that's important), but geographic location. Choose a spot near a theme park or resort and you'll be sure to get more visitors, and return visitors.

Complete with innovative, creative Techniques few consider.
The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes something for everyone complete with illustrated charts, graphs, tips and ratings for each technique described.

Advanced Techniques include:
- Taking the Train (literally but not the boring broadside)
- Take Lightning into your own Hands (requires umbrella and radio tower)
- Cooking with Gas (requires gas appliances)
- The High Speed Crash with a Twist (requires car, cement blocks, neighborhood pets)

Short on Cash? Still more creative techniques, even on a budget.

The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes 'Quickies for the Poor', a great selection of methods for the budget conscious. Even on a tight budget, you can still be creative and leave little to chance!

Quickies for the Poor techniques include: 
- Dry Land Cliff Diving (great for the outdoors enthusiast)
- Jay Walking (your name does not have to be Jay, chalk optional)
- Freeway Skateboarding (requires wet suit, knee pads, toll booth, rope, lasso, timing)
- Cooking for Pacemaker Patients (pacemaker and microwave required)
- Mountain Bike Trick (requires minor modification to brake cables, no helmet required)
- Jumping for Joy (requires slightly short bungee cord - height/length chart included).

National media coverage is hard to get, even for big stars.
The Layman's Guide to Suicide rates each technique. Five headstones is highest (feature film, grandstands required), one headstone is lowest (only town gossip, maybe local newspaper coverage, and no spectators). Ratings matter to the networks and they should matter to you too!

Every technique in the book is rated for potential Media Coverage and Spectator Value.

Read one of the Advanced Techniques now... but don't even think of doing it until you read the entire book.
Remember how you've failed tests in the past? Skimming and not paying attention? Being distracted or not knowing your stuff? Packed for another failure?

No you can't just 'wing it' or 'figure things out as you go'... you have to buy the book!

Taking The Train
Refer to the consumer guide to find the subcompact which failed all the government crash tests.  Next, rather than simply 'accepting' the common broadside, completely remove the tires and the front bumper, drive up and onto the tracks, and head directly towards the train (see illustration - that's you in the middle headed directly towards the oncoming train).

Don’t get yourself in a panic! Leave early and refer to a current train schedule (not that old one in your glove box) for 'meeting' times. 

Although this maneuver requires greater skill, the result is a more spectacular flip which will send your vehicle cart wheeling end over end at least fifty yards (or more depending upon train speed and your ability to achieve and be sure you maintain proper line-up).

To avoid being deafened by the sound of the train horn, roll up all of your windows. And don’t forget to buckle up... IT’S THE LAW! 

IMPORTANT TIP - Don’t wait on the tracks... it’s dangerous!

There's much more to The Layman's Guide to Suicide as featured on talk radio.
Miss that too? OK, there's another reason you need to buy the book!

Satisfaction guaranteed or maybe your money back.
The Layman's Guide to Suicide is GUARANTEED to make any problem a laughing matter. No matter how depressed or downtrodden, if you read The Layman's Guide to Suicide, you'll likely decide to remain living and laughing... we hope. And BTW, there is no money back guarantee if you fail.

Get your own copy today but don't be greedy.
Grab a spare copy for a whining friend, work associate, relative, depressing neighbor, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or Cell mate. It's the ideal gift!

Leave a copy on the coffee table at home, bed stand or your desk at work.
Get yourself more attention. Whether or not you've considered suicide at all, once people see it, talk about sympathy! They'll be all over you.

A perfect conversation starter and way to make new friends.
With The Layman's Guide to Suicide you'll meet all kinds of new people... sympathizers, mental health professionals, probably even some from law enforcement. Want some attention from the opposite sex (or same sex if you're so disposed?) - buy this book, leave it around and that's all but guaranteed too!

Makes a great gift!
Show you really care or don't. Either way, this book sends a clear message without having to say a thing. For those who have everything - and those with nothing at all - 'The Layman's Guide to Suicide' is the book to have and receive. It well could be the last self-help book you (or they) ever need. But we doubt it. It's so hard to kill yourself laughing out loud.

For entertainment purposes only.

There's much more in the book!

Seriously though:

Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38
Published by Paladin Press in 1995
ISBN: 0873648633
Still listed at Amazon.com 

The Layman's Guide to Suicide: The Essential Handbook Guaranteed to Make Any Problem a Laughing Matter'  sold via catalog, mail order, through amazon.com and other booksellers. Published in July 1995 by Paladin Press.

Eight years later, in 2003, the authors received notification from the publisher that 'The Layman's Guide to Suicide', which had sold out, would go out of print.

The Authors were devastated, yet still not suicidal. Their hope is to stay alive long enough to write the sequel which is talked about in one of the last chapters titled 'What to do if you fail and can still read this'.

Seriously, in 1994, with friends of the author and co-author having committed suicide in the past, Rob Cummings felt that humor could be a deterrent. As it turns out, people have told Rob (author) and Tod (co-author) The Layman's Guide to Suicide laughed them right out of their depression. Rob and Tod also did a number of talk radio interviews. You'll soon be able to listen to these on this web page.

If you like the excerpts from The Layman's Guide to Suicide please email me below.

Know of a publisher that might be interested in republishing? Please let them know.

As the Authors, we feel the world needs a humorous book on Suicide. Everyone takes suicide so seriously. Why? It is!

Too many rush and do it without any planning. If they thought a little harder, perhaps they would think twice, or at least not leave a mess for paramedics to clean up. There's a right and wrong way to do everything. The Layman's Guide to Suicide explains all.

We'd like to see The Layman's Guide to Suicide republished with more tips, more techniques, and even better graphics. Hopefully you would too.

If you know of any depressing, chronic whiners and complainers, or people seriously contemplating suicide, please send them to this web page.

Entire book now online FREE. Click here to read!

Contact the Author for more information and with comments