A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Hell (and what to expect).

You never hear a thing from people who have gone to Hell.

Maybe it's due to lack of phone, postal, or Internet service... or perhaps they're just having so much fun and don't care to keep in touch! But that's doubtful unless they truly love the heat.

It's generally accepted that Hell is hot. But is it hot and humid like Miami, or a dry heat like Palm Springs?

Our theory?

Hell is 'hellish', probably real hot, the beer is always warm, and the steaks are never pink inside when you ask for medium rare - they're burned - and you might be too if you happen to end up there, metaphorically speaking.

Some say "you'll burn in Hell" but does this mean your skin will be peeling for all eternity like a day in the tropics without your sun block?

It seems that Hell is subject to interpretation, and speaking of that, maybe it's a place where no one speaks your language and just keeps telling you 'sorry, no English'. Wait a second, that may be where you live now!

Who knows? Maybe Hell is an eternal repeat of your worst day, or being forced to watch endless looped Three's Company reruns, or that feeling that you have to pee but there's no rest stop for 100 miles. Use your imagination but we're not seeing any reports (or postcards) saying people are having a great time in Hell.

Whatever Hell is, we do know it will be hellish (goes with the territory), and we can pretty much count on it being eternal (which seems like a very long time). 

Maybe there's more to Hell than you bargained for and perhaps Hell also includes one or more of the following (in no particular order):

Constant sinus headaches
(with gas)
(and other creepy stuff)
Cheap diner food
Lousy waiter service
More heat
Relentless d
Night sweats
Overcrowded housing
A lot more heat
Serious heartburn
Dry heaves
Rashes (probably from heat)
Everything a la carte
Bad hair days (every day)
Sweaty palms (from the heat)
No free refills
Yakking, pesky neighbors
Severe abdominal pain
Rude, inconsiderate people
Hot dogs on a stick
Tax on everything
No vacation time
A lot of people complaining
(primarily about the heat)
Nose pickers
Canceled flights out
Extremely hot heat
Boils, warts, severe acne
Ear wax
Vermin (and related)
TV Guide recipes
Hot pockets
Relentless heat
No clocks
Reruns (every season)
Crabs (human and otherwise)
Tuna helper
Calendars that never change
Locusts and other pests
No change in the weather
Unclean bed sheets
Spiders and related
Weasels (human type)
Inept civil servants
Nothing new (ever)

If you take the 'self-serve' approach to earth departure, heaven may be out of the question (in most religions), so you may want to hold off on 'taking the leap' and see Heaven (and what to expect)
For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.