A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.

Chapters

Cover
1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

People and things to die for.

Circle all that apply (but DO NOT check all and then go out and load the gun).

LOVER PROBLEMS
Unfaithful 
Lousy 
Possessed 
Unavailable

PET PROBLEMS
Unfaithful 
Lousy 
Possessed
Carpet (damp)

CHILDREN PROBLEMS
Lousy 
Possessed 
Illegitimate 
Screaming

BREAKDOWNS
Societal
Nervous
Automobile
Mental
Physical

NO PROBLEMS
No life 
No money 
No girlfriend/boyfriend
No marketable skill
No hope
No A/C 
No T.V. 
No IQ 
No T.P.

THREE-LETTERED
DUI 
PMS 
IRS
REM 
HRS
PDF
DEA

TWO-LETTERED
B.O. 
VD
BS
ID (fake, discovered)

VARIOUS COLLAPSES
Financial
Physical
Lung (left or right)
House or Building
Bridge Level (above you)
Dam
Stock Market
Highway

PHYSICAL PROBLEMS
Chronic cellulite 
Acne 
Boils
Brain
Hangnails 
Hemorrhoids 
Warts (including hairy)
Incontinence (khakis)
Ingrown toenails 
Indigestion
Constipation
Diarrhea (in public)
Broken nail(s) 
Gas (internal) 
Gas (external)
Pink eye 
Red eye 
Lip blisters 
Breasts too large 
Breasts too small 
No breasts 
Underweight/Overweight
Overweight (next seat)
Homely
Smelly (general/specific)

MISCELLANEOUS
Pressed meat products
Tight shoes 
Toilet overflow 
Jail sentence
(and the inmates like you)
Jail sentence
( and the inmates don't)
Employment 
Unemployment 
Filthy public restrooms
Spam (email or canned)

PEOPLE
Parent(s) 
Friends (or lack of)
Neighbor(s) 
Teacher(s)
Student(s) 
Attorney(s) 
Boss (or supervisor)
Car Salesmen
Dentist
Employees (one or all)
Neighbors (one or all)
Stockbroker
Yacht broker
Entire Brokerage House
Committee (any)
Parole officer
Collections Agent
Bail Bondsman
IN-LAW PROBLEMS
Visiting 
Moving in
Never leave

BAD PROBLEMS
Bad clams 
Bad dates 

PHOBIAS AND FEARS
Acrophobia 
Claustrophobia 
Hydrophobia
Agoraphobia

SITUATIONS/CONDITIONS
Marriage/Divorce 
Blind date
(is your sister or brother)
Blind date
(is aunt, uncle, grandparent)
Alimony 
Child Support 
Bankruptcy 
Recession 
Depression 
Failed exam 
Failed in life 
Celibacy (involuntary)
Traffic jam

LOST THINGS
Tan 
Mind 
Job 
Keys
Remote
Feeling (any extremity)
Love

YUCKY THINGS
Spiders 
Snakes 
Vermin
Worms
Certain people
Diapers (full)
Boogers (under counters)

LEAKY THINGS
Pens 
Ceiling 
Diaper
Faucet
Tire(s)
Radiator
Depends

If none of the above apply, or you have more, WRITE IN below:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

Use another piece of paper if necessary.

Print this form and move on to the next page Where You Go When You Go?

For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.