A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel


How do you know if youčre a candidate? You've already got a leg up by reading this book right now. You may suffer from feelings of inferiority, frustration, desperation, hopelessness, self-pity, grief, and maybe even anger. On the other hand, you might simply be heartbroken, or maybe you just broke a nail, or there's no hot water in the shower.

Regardless, we'll assume that you are generally miserable and quite possibly have come to some sort of realization that you have no one to turn to and nowhere to turn. Bingo! Read on.

From what to wear to how to do it (and everything in between), this is the all-inclusive guide to doing it right (on first attempt). If you're really ready to check out, this tome (a tome is a scholarly work, not the crypt type) will serve as your guide from initial contemplation all the way to final termination.

No matter how awful things may seem to you right now, do keep in mind that things may get better, which means that if you go through with this you might miss out.

However, if you're completely determined, we strongly recommend that you finish reading this book (no skimming). If you remain committed after reading this cover to cover, (and you may be committed if you mess up i.e. state institution), then a trip for a psychiatric evaluation is surely in order. Whatever you do, take your time, since this may be one of the most important decisions of your life.

Lastly, please keep this book away from children and the mentally ill, and, in the event that you do decide to go, the authors would greatly appreciate it if you did not bring this book along with you (or keep it anywhere near you, or leave it anywhere where the authorities might find it) unless this book will be completely destroyed with you.

Continue to Getting Started.

For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. © See copyright notice.