A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Lightning (powerful stuff)

Here's one for the nature lover or nature buff, and it's a real crowd pleaser!

We all know lightning is powerful stuff, and a single targeted bolt of lightning makes high tension wires seem like child's play.

Lightning always strikes the tallest object, which makes radio transmitting towers ideal (but a sturdy aluminum ladder set up on wet ground in a open field will do in a pinch).

For this example, we'll assume you can access a tower.

Be sure to pack a lunch, your raincoat, a stopwatch, plenty of tinfoil, and your ALUMINUM umbrella.

Aluminum is a fabulous conductor, and an open umbrella will keep you dry as well.

Ascend the transmitter tower right before the storm approaches (the tingle you may feel is just the signal, don't worry).

As you clutch the top, with the red beacon flashing in your face, secure yourself to the tower with your belt.

Try to reach the top before it starts raining; otherwise the tower will be slippery and you could fall and injure yourself.

When you hear the first clap of thunder, grasp the aluminum shaft of the umbrella (NOT THE PLASTIC HANDLE) in your right hand and, in your left, grip a section of the tower.


Don't forget to wrap the tinfoil around your forearms securely.

With your stopwatch, time the difference between the thunder and the lightning.

At about the one-second mark, you should be there.

Pay no mind to the crowd on the ground. Just yell back that you can't hear them yelling, "JUMP!" Don't worry, it's traditional.

If by some unfortunate chance the storm passes you by, simple - just do a swan dive (being careful not to injure onlookers).

TIP—Bring along weenies or marshmallows and a cellular phone (to talk to the press while you're waiting). Don't get there too long in advance.

Next see Quickies for Poor and budget minded >>


For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.