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humorous online book. |
 Speed
Kills... or at least it could (if you avoid traffic). Many choose the high-speed vehicular crash, especially those wanting to get a little (maybe a lot) of media exposure and plenty of spectator value. Nothing turns heads like hitting a wall at 120. Add a few props and extensive media coverage is all but guaranteed. In fact, if exotic enough, you may even pre-empt regular programming! Crashing into a solid stationery object (like a center bridge abutment) ensures your vehicle will end up safely off the road, out of traffic lanes, visible to passing motorists, yet without creating a stall situation where traffic stops altogether. The key is allowing for a steady procession, which, if done right, will be the result. EXPECT HEAVY RUBBERNECKING. Start by loading your backseat with cement blocks (stack 'em high). Next, round up a few of the neighborhood pets to bring along. Animal
lovers might choose to bring fish. Place either in your back seat in front
of or on top of the cement blocks. Take position three-quarters of a mile downrange (minimum - more with energy-efficient vehicles), grit teeth (optional but recommended), and accelerate briskly. AVOID DISTRACTION. To avoid annoying and potentially hazardous distraction, keep everything in the back seat (pets too - or fish, optionally). When within 20 feet of your pre-selected abutment, CUT OVER. Even though you may be anxious, don't jump the gun, stay in the diamond, HOV, or commuter lane (if available) as long as possible. Grass, uneven pavement, gravel and debris can slow you down, or worse, cause you to lose control of your vehicle! Stay in the high speed lane, get up to speed (yes, you will be speeding), and then take that hard left. It will be hard. If impact is made at the proper speed and alignment, your compact vehicle should become a subcompact. SUVs become compacts, compacts become subcompacts, etc. It's like trading down at a car rental agency. The cement blocks will aid in reducing the bodies of pets (or fish) to pulp - along with yours. A field day for paramedics, you'll easily baffle the rookies (and possibly the pros) as they sift through the wreckage. In addition, with proper speed and alignment, your vehicle will be only transportable by crane, reducing towing and storage yard charges. Casket not required (most cases) since you will likely be buried (check local ordinance) in your vehicle. If so, big money saver - no embalming, viewing, and essentially no other burial costs outside of digging the hole and dropping you and you car in! TIP: When sourcing the ideal bridge abutment, make sure not to choose a stretch of road where it reads SPEED CHECKED BY RADAR or AIRCRAFT. The flashing lights of a police car behind may distract you, hampering your ability to concentrate on your target. See next Advanced
Technique >> WARNING: |
