A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Speed Kills... or at least it could (if you avoid traffic).

This is the high speed crash, with important twists.

Many choose the high-speed vehicular crash, especially those wanting to get a little (maybe a lot) of media exposure and plenty of spectator value. Nothing turns heads like hitting a wall at 120.

Add a few props and extensive media coverage is all but guaranteed.

Choose the right spot (clear view from news chopper preferred), and you're all set, almost.

In fact, if exotic enough, you may even pre-empt regular programming!

Crashing into a solid stationery object (like a center bridge abutment) ensures your vehicle will end up safely off the road, out of traffic lanes, visible to passing motorists, yet without creating a stall situation where traffic stops altogether. The key is allowing for a steady procession, which, if done right, will be the result.


Start by loading your backseat with cement blocks (stack 'em high).

Next, round up a few of the neighborhood pets to bring along. Animal lovers might choose to bring fish. Place either in your back seat in front of or on top of the cement blocks.


Take position three-quarters of a mile downrange (minimum - more with energy-efficient vehicles), grit teeth (optional but recommended), and accelerate briskly.


To avoid annoying and potentially hazardous distraction, keep everything in the back seat (pets too - or fish, optionally).

When within 20 feet of your pre-selected abutment, CUT OVER.

Even though you may be anxious, don't jump the gun, stay in the diamond, HOV, or commuter lane (if available) as long as possible.

Grass, uneven pavement, gravel and debris can slow you down, or worse, cause you to lose control of your vehicle!

Stay in the high speed lane, get up to speed (yes, you will be speeding), and then take that hard left. It will be hard.

If impact is made at the proper speed and alignment, your compact vehicle should become a subcompact. SUVs become compacts, compacts become subcompacts, etc. It's like trading down at a car rental agency.

The cement blocks will aid in reducing the bodies of pets (or fish) to pulp - along with yours. A field day for paramedics, you'll easily baffle the rookies (and possibly the pros) as they sift through the wreckage.

In addition, with proper speed and alignment, your vehicle will be only transportable by crane, reducing towing and storage yard charges.

Casket not required (most cases) since you will likely be buried (check local ordinance) in your vehicle.

If so, big money saver - no embalming, viewing, and essentially no other burial costs outside of digging the hole and dropping you and you car in!

TIP: When sourcing the ideal bridge abutment, make sure not to choose a stretch of road where it reads SPEED CHECKED BY RADAR or AIRCRAFT. The flashing lights of a police car behind may distract you, hampering your ability to concentrate on your target.

See next Advanced Technique >>


For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.