A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

It's Auto-matic!

This trip begins and ends in your own garage (or that of a friend or loved one).

A method that's tailor-made for the homebody and car buff, all you need is a car (V8s recommended) and some ordinary household items.

To get all set up, take a drive to the local convenience store.

Use the rest room (so you won't have to go later), fuel up with high octane LEADED fuel (a half tank will do if you're budgeting).

In the store, pick and pack some essentials that will make your trip more comfortable...snacks, your favorite music, pets (to stay awake).

Also, grab a pair of handcuffs (sold at most convenience stores next to the lighters by the cashier).

On the way back to the garage, pick up a good length of ordinary clothes dryer exhaust hose at any hardware store - plus a very small roll of duct tape.

Your own dryer exhaust hose may have the length you need (exhaust pipe to window or sunroof), but be sure not to come up short. Interesting they call it exhaust hose, isn't it?

If using your own, clean out any lint. Lint contains allergens, plus lint can be flammable. Clothes dryers require venting, so leave a note if others may use that dryer later. Yes, you may also vent in the note, killing two birds, one stone.

OK, stay calm. Don't stir up the neighbors with your antics. Pull car in, shut garage door.

Run the dryer hose from your exhaust to the interior of your vehicle - being sure to duct tape the exhaust tightly so even heavy acceleration won't effect it.

Slip the other end of the hose through the sunroof (if available) or any window. Roll up. If crack remains, fill in with duct tape and old fast food bags (see back floor of car). Goal is tight seal.

Jump in.

No need to buckle your seat belt. Roll up your windows (no cracks please - except window with dryer hose that you have sealed).

Next, open snacks partway, then handcuff yourself to the steering wheel.

Toss keys as far away as you can (not the key to the car, the keys to the cuffs).

Clear so far?

OK. Fire up that big block V8 (if available)!

Now you can crank up the engine, stereo, even the seat warmers (if available).

Set the air conditioner to recirculate (not 'fresh'). Choose FULL fan.

You control the gas (both kinds). Accelerate and so will the process,

With your free hand (the one not cuffed), grab your snacks. Bet you're glad you open them partway now! No last-minute fighting with the packaging!

TIP - Carports and open fields may take longer.


See next Advanced Technique >>


For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.