A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Taking the train

Trains are big, heavy objects that, once rolling, take a long time to stop.


For years now, people have been taking trains (or letting trains take them).

Taking the train is sensational, safe (if done with care), and can be a real treat for spectators (onlookers, online viewers, television news crews).

'Done with care' is the key.

We're looking for a 'clean event' where the passengers on the train still get to their destinations on time - and possibly without realizing they hit you on the way home. More fun when they turn on the news.

First you need to select the right vehicle.

No SUVs, please, focus on the ideal vehicle...

Refer to the consumer guide or government reports to find the subcompact that failed every crash test. That will be the one!

Next, forget broadside. Too risky.

Be very sure you know (no guessing) that the locomotive will be on the part of the train heading towards you pulling, not pushing.

The locomotive (or engine) is the big heavy part (with the light) where there are no passengers (except the engineer).

Next, completely remove the front bumper, and all the tires, but leave the rims.

With that done, check the schedule. Timing is everything.

About 30 seconds before 'arrival' - or when you hear the train's horn - it's time to drive up and onto the tracks.

DO NOT sit in the path of the train at the crossing. Get going - fast.

Turn off your headlights.

Head directly towards the train (towards the bright light if visible - some tracks curve - recommended) at the best speed you can muster (remember, no tires, just rims).

The ride might be bumpy yet reliable since you have no chance of getting a flat on the way. You won't have time to fix it.

Although racing towards the train on rims only requires greater skill, stay on course (use the rails as guides), and maintain a good grip (of yourself and the steering wheel).

By the way, night time is the right time. Freight trains recommended. Turn off your headlights. No need to disconnect brake lights, no brakes required. In fact, if you disconnect anything, disconnect the brakes altogether, but only at the crossing, not before.

Here comes the train!

If all works out, impact should include an end over end flip, which will send your vehicle cart wheeling at least fifty yards (maybe more depending upon train speed and your ability to achieve and maintain proper lineup).

Don't get yourself in a panic beforehand.

Allow plenty of time and refer to a current train schedule for meeting times.

Tip: To avoid being deafened by the train horn, roll up all your windows.

Don't forget to buckle up ... IT'S THE LAW! You will (in all likelihood).

Planning on bequeathing your vehicle (in its original condition)?

Understanding it may end up in one piece (therefore available to bequeath yet not in running order), you may opt for a shopping cart instead.

Same basic procedure, yet leave wheels on cart, run and push it towards the train, then jump in. Same result, often better. Less clean up too! Plus exercise.

What about golf carts?

Perfect - two passenger preferred. Sure, bring clubs, balls (required), beer, favorite mementos, and wear your blazer.

See next Advanced Technique - great for car buffs!


For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.