humorous online book.
Taking the train
Trains are big, heavy objects that, once
rolling, take a long time to stop.
For years now, people have been taking trains
(or letting trains take them).
'Done with care' is the key.
We're looking for a 'clean event' where the passengers on the train still get to their destinations on time - and possibly without realizing they hit you on the way home. More fun when they turn on the news.
First you need to select the right vehicle.
No SUVs, please, focus on the ideal vehicle...
Refer to the consumer guide or government reports to find the subcompact that failed every crash test. That will be the one!
Next, forget broadside. Too risky.
very sure you know (no guessing) that the locomotive will be on the part of
the train heading towards you pulling, not pushing.
Next, completely remove the front bumper, and all the tires, but leave the rims.
With that done, check the schedule. Timing is everything.
About 30 seconds before 'arrival' - or when you hear the train's horn - it's time to drive up and onto the tracks.
DO NOT sit in the path of the train at the crossing. Get going - fast.
Turn off your headlights.
Head directly towards the train (towards the bright light if visible - some tracks curve - recommended) at the best speed you can muster (remember, no tires, just rims).
might be bumpy yet reliable since you have no chance of getting a flat on the way.
You won't have time to fix it.
By the way, night time is the right time. Freight trains recommended. Turn off your headlights. No need to disconnect brake lights, no brakes required. In fact, if you disconnect anything, disconnect the brakes altogether, but only at the crossing, not before.
Allow plenty of time and refer to a current train schedule for meeting times.
Understanding it may end up in one piece (therefore available to bequeath yet not in running order), you may opt for a shopping cart instead.
Same basic procedure, yet leave wheels on cart, run and push it towards the train, then jump in. Same result, often better. Less clean up too! Plus exercise.
What about golf carts?
Perfect - two passenger preferred. Sure, bring clubs, balls (required), beer, favorite mementos, and wear your blazer.
See next Advanced
Technique - great for car buffs!
|For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. © See copyright notice.|