A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.

Chapters

Cover
1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Ratings Guide to Techniques

There are two components to our Rating Guide to Techniques.

In both the Advanced Techniques and the Quickies for the Poor, each technique is rated based on Media Coverage Potential and Spectator Value.

Most want to know the potential Media Coverage the event (or lack of one) might receive. As you can see above, a 5 stone Media Coverage rating means the possibility of a Feature Film (which you will likely not be seeing), while a paltry 1 stone rating means you may enjoy a bit of town gossip, and, depending on the other stories of the day, might make the local news. 'Might' is a big word.


The second area of greatest interest is Spectator Value. Add a little twist or flair to your event and you might experience a tremendous turnout (excluding the emergency personnel that may already be on scene - especially with poor planning). In the ratings guide above, a 5 stone Spectator Value rating means you really should rent the grandstands (these could be money makers along with parking), a 3 stone rating might stop passers by and include some tailgating opportunities (i.e. sell charcoal and lighter fluid - unless you're hoarding it all on yourself), and that 1 stone rating, well, you'll be going it alone.

More about Spectator Value and Media Coverage...

It's easy to see how Spectator Value and Media Coverage go hand in hand. 

Set up grandstands prior (permit required in most areas) and that's worthy of (at minimum) a decent pitch for a Made for TV Documentary. If you can find a way to draw a crowd (in advance, which is the tricky part), the News teams usually follow.

If you really put your thinking cap on, then you might (finally) qualify for that full-length Feature Film, however, take note that even though your character may be the star, your chances of playing the leading role may be hampered by your attempt (due to incarceration and/or psychiatric considerations), or as a result of severe injury (due to your own lack of planning).

As far as the News coverage goes, assuming that you brought along appropriate forms of indestructible ID based on technique, (and the ID remained readable), you might get a mention by name. Keep in mind that big stories break all the time, and a bigger story might take precedence over yours. 

These days, with so many going to such extreme measures to get a little coverage, garnering even a few seconds on a National Network is becoming increasingly difficult. Techniques with high Spectator Value and Media Coverage will at least get you in the game.

OK? Let's move on the Advanced Techniques.

WARNING:
READERS ARE STRONGLY URGED NOT TO TRY ANY OF THE TECHNIQUES PRESENTED HEREIN. THEY CAN RESULT IN DEATH, OR WORSE YET, SEVERE BODILY INJURY.

For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.