A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.

Chapters

Cover
1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Will Power (yours)

A clearly written, properly executed will can provide you with plenty of last-minute snickers while potentially causing months or years of grief (after any initial grieving, if applicable) for family, friends, relatives, co-workers, your ex-bosses,  partners, other ex's, even neighbors and casual acquaintances.

Will Power puts you in the driver's seat...finally.

Even if you didn't have any before, you surely do now!

The purpose of a will is to guarantee that your loved (or not so loved) ones will get just what they deserve, and that's exactly where the fun begins!

Since so much depends on your specific objectives and situation, the best we can do here is to define a few of the terms and concepts to inspire your thinking.

One thing is certain, a little Will Power combined with a hefty dash of imagination can go a very long way!

Bequeathing means to pass (something) on to another; hand down, to leave or give by will. Bequeathing typically involves personal property, but there's no legal definition of how 'personal' that property may be, or the condition that the property bequeathed must be in. Wow, that leaves the options wide open!

The good news is that anyone named in a will needs to take what they get.

Think soiled diapers, dentures, bad pets, expired luncheon meats, maybe even your own hospital bed if things don't go exactly as planned.

Here are just a few more thoughts...

How about going halvsies and bequeathing half of a whole? A single breast implant (new or used),
half of your estate's driveway, the remaining half of your last ham sandwich, or arm?

Or how about just a part of a whole? The engine from your car but not the car, just the chimney from your house, only one of the toilets, just the hands from your Rolex President (requires some disassembly), just your own hands (may require some disassembly, a glass jar, formaldehyde). See where this is headed now?

How about bequeathing items that you never owned?

The 'hidden fortune' routine nearly guarantees senseless tooth and nail fighting between those you left behind, and can add months or years in probate court.

If you concoct even a fairly believable story (and falsify just a few key documents), the probate court parking lot fees alone can drive your successors to the poor house! You might print up some bogus deeds, creative a treasure map, bury all your costume jewelry along with a few of your penny collections, and make your will a treasure hunt of sorts. Since you won't be around for questioning, you can leave a series of will location clues in remote locations around the country, even on different continents. It's fun to go thinking that those greedy $#@%^*%# you truly didn't care for will expend all of their funds traipsing around the globe, only to ultimately discover you gave every last dime to charity.

It's amazing what crazy things friends, relatives, ex's, even co-workers and former business partners will do to get their grubby hands on your hard-earned cash and belongings, so also don't forget the stipulations available to you.

A stipulation is legally defined as an agreement or concession made by parties in a judicial proceeding. Yes, wills are judicial proceedings (upon request). Think of a stipulation as a restriction that is insisted upon as a condition for an agreement. Hmmm, that has possibilities!

Let's say you do have cash, and lots of it, but you want your kids to learn the value of money without taking the easy way out (as you are). Imagine the requirements you could stipulate. For instance, what about burying the cash with you with a stipulation that just $10,000 can be exhumed at a time. The dig costs about $2,500 so it's still worth it, but no dig and your kids won't be able to get one red cent. As long as you stipulate it, it must be done. Perhaps you add a clause that the dig must be done with spoons rather than shovels or a backhoe. Now you're catching on. 

Take care of the property and zone out.
Let's say that you own real estate and you're dying to get back at your next door neighbor. Donate your land to the city for a landfill, toxic waste disposal site, low-income housing, an animal shelter, or even an amusement park (making sure that you stipulate no other use). Regardless of zoning laws and ordnances, wills are always taken quite seriously so this should keep the neighbors busy at City Hall, might make the local papers, and heck, it would be fun, right?

If you're ready to draft, see Last Will & Testament



For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.