The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need (unless you skim).

A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.

Chapters
Cover
1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)
9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)
29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind
30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f. Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects
31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Your Epitaph (yard eye catchers)

Leave a lasting impression long after guests have gone home by engraving your words in stone.

With the right message, your head stone will be the talk of the town, state, maybe even entire country, for years to come.

Here are a few possible suggestions:

I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED
SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!
NO SOLICITORS
KEEP OFF THE GRASS
HAVE A NICE DAY
HI MOM!
GOT A MATCH?
I'M DOWN HERE!
IT'S DARK DOWN HERE.
COULD YOU TURN UP THE HEAT?
WHO SHUT OFF THE LIGHTS?
I CAN'T BREATHE.
WHO'S GOT THE DEET?
DON'T CALL ME CHICKEN.
DON'T CALL ME LOSER.
TRY TO GET MY MONEY NOW.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.
DO NOT DISTURB.
I WAS DARED.
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
AM I DIVORCED NOW?
DO I DETECT RADON?
BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT I'D DO IT!

PLEASE CURB YOUR PETS.
911 WAS A LITTLE LATE.
THIS ISN'T THE CASKET I ORDERED.
THANKS DEAR.
RETURN MAIL TO SENDER.
I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT.
VANDALS WILL BE PROSECUTED.
KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?
THE BUCK STOPS HERE.
MY CELL PHONE IS...
IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN.
NO MORE PHONE CALLS PLEASE.
THANKS FOR NOTHING.
HAVE FUN WITH MY STUFF.
NO DIGGING.
I ONLY WISH I'D DONE THIS SOONER.
NO BIG DEAL.
NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME.
THANKS FOR THE PARTY!
GO AWAY!
I REALLY HATE WORMS.
IS MY CREDIT OK NOW?
YOU'RE STANDING ON ME.
WOW, THAT SMARTS!!

See how much fun your epitaph can be? There's normally a per character carving fee plus the shorter your epitaph, the larger the text can be.

In life you may have been short on it, but now's your chance to use Will Power.