A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Notes and Writing Tips

Finally you can show everyone that you really could write!

Spelling, penmanship, and presentation really count, which adds even more pressure as you pen this, your last literary work Open to public scrutiny, your suicide note will be read by everyone from family and friends to police investigators, and, if you do it right, may even be reprinted in local papers!

Hastily scratched, incoherent scribbling on the back of a brown paper bag or old utility bill just won't do, at all. You want to draft a simple, concise, yet poignant note that covers everything (since there won't be any further editing).

If you're a poor writer, borrow someone's else's pen and paper. If you're a really bad writer, consider recording onto audio or video tape.

Be sure to write for your intended audience.

If you're killing yourself for someone else (or a group), LET THEM KNOW by clearly spelling out their misdeeds and wrongdoings, and by referring to them by name (first and last) with address if at all possible.

Think about where to leave it (critical).

You might leave your note in a conspicuous area where it will be sure to be seen and read like the kitchen table, taped to the fridge, or on the top of the toilet seat. For more of a surprise, you might roll it up and put it inside the sugar bowl, or tuck it into the car ashtray (if the car is not involved in your technique, or you are absolutely sure that the car will survive your technique).

Taping the note to your body doesn't always work that well (depending on technique), and writing the note on your hand is juvenile. If you have time, and it's all about a loved one, you might key your final thoughts into their passenger door, or write it in permanent marker on their house (if space permits).

You might get creative and hire a skywriter, but then again, how well that can be read depends on many variables - and it doesn't last. On the other hand, you won't either.

Lazy or in a pinch? See the Suicide Note Fill-In-The-Blanks Form.


For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.