A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Fashion (related to technique)

Choosing what to wear for the occasion can make all the difference - functionally and aesthetically.

First of all, all eyes will be on you (at some point), so you should dress to kill (no pun intended), and, depending on technique, you might be on TV, in newspapers, even books.

If you have ever said to yourself that you wouldn't want to be caught dead in some outfit, think about that carefully right now. Everyone will know you had time to plan your outfit. Most important, choose wardrobe (and accessories) that work for you, and of course, your technique!

Without exception, photos will always be taken, afterwards, which should make you stop and think about what to wear (and perhaps how to keep it on). If you have any intention of impressing TV and newspaper reporters (who've seen it all), you have to dress for the part (or parts).

Bright, flashy colors will help your corpse (or specific body parts) stand out on the Nightly News, plus they make it so much easier for the paramedics to locate your body (or parts).

Depending on how you may be found (and the number of pieces, which may just be a guess), you can begin to see how one small item, perhaps a bright yellow glove, sock, or even underwear, may make all the difference - especially if found far from (and not blending in with) the yellow crime scene tape.

Potentially millions of viewers will see your post-mortem photos on TV and in newspapers (as well as people at the Police station), so don't be caught looking less than your very best. Why do you think so many corpses are shown covered?

On that note, police and paramedics are people too. Try not to ruin their day by keeping yourself relatively together (in your choice of clothing), and by choosing an outfit that won't end up falling off or apart on you. The fashion outcome of some techniques will be easier to forecast than others, but do give all of this some careful thought. 

Clothing and Technique go hand in hand...

Technique and clothing are so inter-dependent that you cannot separate one from the other. For example, dark colors are fabulous for stepping out into traffic at night, while red is the obvious choice if you plan on ending up covered in that color.

If you expect to be discovered intact, then anything goes... you might even borrow a special outfit from a friend (since you know you'll be able to return it).

On the other hand, if your method involves severe bodily mutilation (can happen), something tight-fitting (like a wet suit) is a must. If you really want to make clean-up a snap (thoughtful approach), try to get your hands on a body bag (without being too obvious as to need), and, if possible, zip up before you go. If your technique involves any sort of gas and flame, clothes are optional.

We've pretty much covered clothing, now let's think Fashion Accessories

For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.