A humorous online book.
For entertainment purposes only.


1.   Nothing is Worse...
2.   This Book Belonged To...
3.   Preface
4.   Introduction
5.   Getting Started
6.   What are you going for?
7.   People and things to die for.
8.   Where You Go When You Go?
8a. Hell (and what to expect)
8b. Heaven (and what to expect)
8c. Reincarnation (downside)

9.   Etiquette
10. Rules of Etiquette
11. Fun 'Event' Invitations
12. Financing upgraded Services
13. Fashion (related to technique)
14. Fashion Accessories
15. Fashion Faux Pas
16. Make-Up Tips (male/female)
17. Dictating Guest & Theme Attire
18. Suicide Notes & Writing Tips
19. Suicide Note (Fill-in-the blanks)
20. Your Epitaph (Eye Catchers)
21. Will Power (yours)
22. Last Will & Testament
23. Will - Fun Stuff to Bequeath
24. Will - Creative Stipulations
25. Things you should have done
26. Your Eulogy
27. Ratings Guide to Techniques
28. Techniques (Advanced)
28a. Techniques Ratings Guide
28b. Taking the Train
28c. It's Auto-matic!
28d. Cooking with Gas
28e. Speed Kills
28f. Lightning (powerful stuff)

29. Quickies For The Poor
29a. Jay Walking
29b. For the Mountain Bike Enthusiast
29c. Freeway Skateboarding
29d. No car but have a motorcycle?
29e. Razor Blades (with practice blade)
29f. Sportsman's Special
29g. Cooking for Pacemaker Patients
29h. Dry Land Cliff Diving
29i. Jumping for Joy (and others)
29j. Going with the Wind

30. Making Your Arrangements
30a. A Wake (or Not)
30b. Location, Location, Location!
30c. Grave Marker, Head Stone, Tomb?
30d. The Ride to the Cemetery
30e. Grave Site Decorations & Souvenirs
30f.  Plot Music, Audio, Special Effects

31. If You Fail...
32. The Obituary (yours)
33. Terminology
34. Taking others with you
35. Parting words to live by
36. The Sequel

Fun 'Event' Invitations

There's nothing like a great invitation to draw a crowd, and with this event you'll really need a stunner. Not a problem. Scroll down for examples.

You don't have to hire an event planner, though if you can swing it, it's a big time saver, giving you more time to concentrate on other details while they do the licking, stamping, and mass-mailing (suggested).

Event Planner or no, a great concept and Invite will get the 'party' going, making your event a memorable one for all (maybe the whole town or State):

This is your last event and final curtain call, so why not break out the ribs, give the kids a hay ride, get the band you really wanted (rather than those losers from your failed wedding), give guests their latest horoscopes, have miniature pony rides (maybe even small dog rides), install a petting zoo - anything can go - all on site...

...and all at the same cost of what the 'Home' thought to be the simple, low-cost, no frills ceremony that you so cleverly negotiated down (in advance).

Regardless of what pre-need package you may have bought, no one is going to turn away a car full of clowns you personally ordered in advance, a rock band with a contract from you, or a crowd full of people streaming through the Gates waving their money and invitations.

Think outside the box (not the pine one) and you'll develop a great event concept that fills parking lots with people. Handle this right, and you may even need valet or shuttle service.

Whether or not they cared (or even knew you at all), make it a blast, and people will still flock from miles around for the food and the festivities!

Don't let us stifle your creativity. Anything goes in the end!

Some (especially those less reclusive) may already have the upper hand as far as attendance goes. For you, it will be easy to tap into those 'networking groups' you've been cultivating all along. Get your list together and, depending on your situation, think of including business associates and contacts (even those you haven't yet followed up on), PTA and school club membership lists (even out of State), the people at your sports club, seniors' centers (always up for something to do), and any others you think might enjoy an outing. Even if you haven't been circulating for a while, many of these groups don't care.

The more you send out, the more money you end up with.

Think of the Invitees list as a numbers game and money-maker, rather than a chore (services are expensive).

The more people you attract, the more potential Hay Rides you can sell, the more you make at the Gate, and the more your event will be talked about long afterwards.

(If you did before), you will not have to talk with all of your guests for a change (probably won't be able to), so 10 is just as easy to manage as 1000's.

Do the math.

If the best you can do is simply get 1000 people to call your $3.99/minute 900 number (min 3 minute to catch both the directions and the horoscopes), we're talking a whopping $11,970.

That kind of money can go towards any equipment or gear required for your technique, your services, or you might decide to throw it back into the party. 

Upgrades and where the extra cash goes. 

Cash isn't everything (yeah, right), but with some to spare, on the way to your services you could be the one with the 50 limo  motorcade (even if some cars are empty - though we recommend offering rides for a fee), the upgraded car antenna  flags, even silver-plate souvenir shovels, engraved watches (custom engravery extra), other perks, incentives, and free gifts.

With some change to blow, on site, you could be the only plot that lights up at night, has that fancy and talked about water feature, disco ball, or other eternally eye-catching element.

Speaking of eternity, after the party's over, realizing that you will be outside (if you chose to remain on the grounds instead of another disposal method), you might wish you had considered otherwise - or bought/transported that steel shed that will now come in handy. Depending on plot size, you might be able to fit a good sized dog house, tent, or possibly new construction - but it all takes money and planning ahead.

Are you with us now?

You may now be thinking "Hey, but where am I supposed to get the cash for all of this and still have some left for other stuff?" See Financing upgraded Services

For entertainment purposes only. The Layman's Guide to Suicide was in print from July 1995-2003. Paperback: 64 pages ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.18 x 8.42 x 5.38; ISBN: 0873648633; Still listed at Amazon.com. The concept is to make 'doing suicide right' seem so ridiculous that anyone predisposed will be laughing too hard to actually do it - which is our hope. The reader agrees not to hold the authors or anyone related to the authors in any way whatsoever liable or responsible in any way whatsoever for the use or misuse of any information presented herein or for the existence of this book online or in any other media. For publishing and other information please contact us. See copyright notice.